Is this any way to run a meeting?

Marty Pozgay

Many of our readers live in mobile/manufactured home or RV communities that have a community association of which they are a member. As a member you have probably had the pleasure (tongue in cheek) of attending a board of directors or association meeting conducted under Robert's Rules of Order. In my archives I rediscovered a jewel of an article written by Michael VanDyke for Manager's Report Magazine. (I don't believe the magazine is in existence any longer.) The article is timeless, and I've added some revisions of my own. Does any of this sound familiar? OBTAINING THE FLOOR: 1. The person who shouts the loudest shall have the floor. 2. A louder person may interrupt the speaker at any time and take the floor. 3. A member shall address the chair by first rising, shaking his fist and yelling, "Listen you . . . ."; followed by a word or phrase describing the intellectual capacity of the chairman. ENTERING MOTIONS: 1. Motions may be made by first offering a threatening and/or obscene gesture to one or more fellow members and by making a speculative statement about the occupations of a board member's ancestors. Thereupon, the member may state his motion. 2. Following the statement of the motion, the member shall make fierce facial gestures toward two or more members. The chair shall then repeat the motion and condemn it as being idiotic. TAKING THE VOTE: 1. Members shall be allocated votes in proportion to their body weight and strength. A group of members whose combined weight is greater than the combined weight of any other group shall be defined as the "majority." The majority rules, except when the chair sides with the minority. 2. The decision of the chair is final, regardless of the will of the majority. APPEALING THE BOARD'S DECISION: 1. If any member shall object to a decision of the board of directors, the chairman shall properly respond as follows: "So sue us if you don't like it." If a member shall hurl a chair or other physical object at the chairman, the chairman shall immediately declare the member to be out of order. The chairman may, at his discretion, hurl the object back at the offending member. If the member persists, the chairman may have the member bound and gagged at his seat and denied the coffee and donuts that follow the meeting. Have fun at your next meeting.